Monday, August 18, 2014

SAHD Chronicles # 4: "on Faults and Patience"

In an earlier post I mentioned how my son seems to have my body type and my wife's personality while my daughter has my wife's body type and my personality. I went on to say how in these things I have come to see how in my son I have come to appreciate my wife, and in my daughter I have come to understand other things.

I willfully and woefully acknowledge both that there is a danger of over-projecting too much of my wife or myself on either child, and furthermore that much of this is my effort to find orientation in an ever utterly other landscape called "Life".

My daughter has come to amaze me recently with a certain self-starting, stepping-out, unhesitating pursuit of things she wants to do. She self initiates projects of an others-centered nature. This amazes me, cause me pure admiration of her, and a desire to not interfere with (and equal desires to protect and safeguard and nurture) this quality in her.

I wonder if that could have ever come from me, or if I ever had any such quality. I know that sounds utterly self-effacing. I don't have such self-abasement in my heart though when I look upon that quality and admire it in her. I wager if I did the brokenness of the world and in my life, coupled with my sinful response to it, have not crippled or stunted that quality in me.

And that, this nexus of needing to be dependent upon God, being strong enough to be weak and have to trust in Him, might be where even God in His infinite grace is restoring me, returning the years the locus have devoured. How so, well, like with my daughter I am as a child constrained to have to engage in the season and particulars of my own life -- "coming unto Him as a little child," as it were.

But I digress quite far afield. Back to that seeing qualities of myself in my child tack. These days I am seeing weaknesses in my children, thus spotlighting or magnifying or reflecting them (those weaknesses) clearly for me to see in myself. In my son I see the whineyness and slowness to mature, and a tendency to want to dwell in lovey-feeling interaction rather than seeking what he can do to help, or seeking what I want. In my daughter I notice a lack of independence, or a co-dependence, which needs exercising somewhat into... well, into something else.

However, here is a rub, if not the rub to these particular insights: in my wife I am seeing how, through patience and acceptance of where she is at in her process (as well as seeing the unique process God has her in, dealing with deeper issues along with other issues the resolution of which is yet to come), I am seeing the Father-heart of God to me, and that heart specifically in regards to working on those issues in me which I am observing in my children). That last put simpler, of those faults in myself,  those having been pointed out to me by observing them in my children, I am seeing God's attitude of patience and even hope in their correction as I patiently die to myself and allow my wife to be at where she is at, and to be dealt with as God is so doing with her.